Valentine's Day Makes Peasants Taste Sweeter (by Pneuman)

It's Valentine's Day soon. A silly human ritual. I do think it's interesting that Dravaena's arrival came near this human holiday about love and relationships.

Since Dravaena's arrival, many of my human's friends have asked her some very awkward questions. Some of them are just your basic, "So are all the boy Dragons gonna fight over the girl Dragon, or what?" The answer is, of course, no. I can personally tell you that I am not at all romantically interested in Dravaena. She is striking, and her neck has an elegant sort of arch. Yes, Dravaena is beatiful (her pictures don't really do her justice...you have to really look at HER), but she is NOT as beautiful as I am. I refuse to be paired with any Dragoness who is not at least as beautiful as I am. I realize this stipulation will probably cause me to remain an old bachelor Dragon, but I suppose that is the price for being beautiful.

Jerry is still afraid of Dravaena. Bion seems to think of her as a good friend. Tai treats her like a lady, but he is very clear about his intentions. He thinks of her as a sister. We all (except the terried Jerry) think of her as a sister.

And even if we were interested, Dravaena is NOT. The first words out of her mouth after we greeted her were, "Don't any of you get any ideas, because I am NOT that type of Dragoness, and none of you are good enough for me. If you even look at me the wrong way, I'll make you regret it for the rest of your lives." Of course, I was able to read through what she was saying. She was NOT including me when she asid that we weren't good enough for her. How could she think that? No, no. She was saying that the others weren't good enough for her, but it would have made them feel badly if she hadn't included me.

So none of us are interested in Dravaena. However, my human got one follow up question she wasn't expecting. It was an awkward question. It was a personal question. It wasn't a personal question to her, but it was to us Dragons. In fact, it's such a personal question that my human didn't know how to answer it. She doesn't know the answer. It's because Dragons don't discuss it with puny humans.

The question: "Do Dragon-Muses...you know...?"

If you don't know what "you know" refers to, then you can stop reading right now. Otherwise, you might long for the sweet release of about a gallon of mind-bleach.

"Do Dragon-Muses...mate?" There. I said it. This is a squeamish topic for me because Dragons are more secretive about their mating rituals than Vulcans are about pon farr. You can imagine my frustration when my human started asking me...questions.

But you know, enough is enough. I think it's time my human--all the humans--the WHOLE WORLD learned about Dragon mating rituals. The following is not for the feint of heart.

When a boy Dragon decides he loves a girl Dragon very much, they take flight to the homelands from which they were spawned. Then the boy Dragon flies up high to the top of Mount Nightingale, where he picks the first blue ice flower that blooms in winter. He must fly this flower back to his girl Dragon before it can melt.

Then she must accept the flower and tramp it with her feet. Then the boy Dragon must join in what is known as the "My Goodness but that Ice Flower was COLD" dance. They must dance for 48 hours straight without a rest.

Then the girl Dragon must sing the "Song of the Ancient Winged Beasts" until she has lulled the boy Dragon into a trance. When the boy Dragon is in the trance, he must recite to her all 386 stanzas of the legend of "Gimrak the Mighty" to her. When she has also been lured into a trance, the boy Dragon and girl Dragon must walk--yes walk, on foot--to the Pool of Bonding. Then the girl Dragon will push the boy Dragon into the pool and he will splash four times. Then the girl Dragon must cross the Bridge of Love that spans over the Pool of Bonding.

And if you believe any of this, then I'll gladly sell you the Bridge of Love right now.

Pssh. Did you really think I was going to tell you the Dragon-Muses most treasured secrets? Not likely, human.

No go and eat some chocolate. It makes you taste better.

Coke As a Defensive Weapon (by Tai)

We were going to let Dravaena write her first blog, but she doesn't really understand the concept. She's still getting adjusted to life as a Dragon-Muse for our crazy human. I think it's a little overwhelming sometimes. We're used to it, but Dravaena isn't comfortable yet with mundane things like blogging. Maybe someday.

Dravaena did, however, want me to share a poem with you. It's a haiku she wrote herself:

Football makes no sense.
Neither do the commercials.
Dragons don't like Coke.

Of course, Dravaena is referring to one of the few Super Bowl commercials that my human actually saw. She came home and immediately looked it up on youtube so she could share it with us. In case you didn't see the Dragon Coca-Cola ad, here it is for your viewing pleasure (and confusion):




Now, I must admit, I kind of liked the ad. It was nicely done, even if it wasn't very realistic (and remember this is coming from a Dragon). Dravaena didn't like it because the mean Dragon was red (like her) and because, as she mentioned in her haiku, Dragons don't like Coke. I think the only reason she thinks this is because none of us have really ever had Coke.

And the human kind of got this weird idea that she could give all us Dragons some Coke to see what happened. I am not sure why. I think she wanted to see if fireworks would come out of OUR mouths if we drank Coke. I think she wanted to see if Coke was a good defensive weapon against a Dragon.

Well, the human didn't feel like going to the grocery, and she didn't have any Coke. All she had was diet Cheerwine (if you've never had this, my human strongly recommends you move to the Carolinas so you can always be sure to find it). Diet Cheerwine is pretty good. It tastes just a little bitty bit like cranberries, but without the...uh, side effects. Anyway, there were no fireworks--unless you count Jerry's epic fire-burps.

Pneuman suggested she should try again with REAL Coke, and Jerry said that maybe they should just drop a few Mentos in the Coke. ...but I think our human is done with her Dragon and soda experiments. If you ever experienced Jerry's epic fire-burps first hand, then you'd understand why. It seems that soda actually makes most Dragons MORE dangerous.

So now you know the truth: If your village is ever attacked by an enemy clan with a fire-breathing Dragon...Coke is probably not your best defense.

The Dragon Lady (by Jerry)

The worst thing has happened. The worst thing that could possibly ever have happened has, in fact, happened. Whilst my "brothers" are off celebrating, I have snuck away for a few moments to write what may possibly be the last blog I will ever write.

I once thought that getting a girl-type Dragoness would be like the best thing ever, okay? So, I was wrong. When "Mom" got home today, she found this box in her room, and inside it was...a Dragon. A Dragoness. An evil red Dragoness. ...and Mom was actually happy about it.

Meet Dravaena. She's lovely, yes, but sinister. Just look at those cruel claws. *Shudder*

Well, of course Mom went to work trying to figure out this new Dragon's name. I suggested a few names for her. Jezebel. Delilah. Cruella. Spawn of Satan. Scarlet (because it rhymes with harlot--Mom told me she was going to wash my mouth out). Evil Incarnate. Mom hated all my name choices, and the evil red Dragoness hissed at me every time I suggested anything. Even after she started hissing and growling and snapping, Mom thought I was just being silly. She said, "It looks like this Dragon has been through a lot. She's feisty, but I'm sure we can all learn to get along with her."

Humans aren't that bright sometimes. And neither are my brothers. They all like her, all right. Bion is practically in love with her--but not like in a gross, mushy way. He just likes her because she scares the willies out of me. Jerk.


Anyway, so after MUCH deliberation, Mom discovered that this malicious creature is named Dravaena (Drah-VAY-nah) Taryn Thrush. According to Dravaena, her name is a combination of mostly Gaelic/Celtic names, and it has the following meanings: hunter, dark one, poet, bard, song. Taryn, her middle name, means "rocky hill" and can also mean "pure" and "torture." I think "pure torture" fits her rather well. Thrush, her last name, is a kind of bird--a song bird. I'm not sure how THAT name fits her, but whatever. I mean, she IS supposedly the Dragon-Muse that inspires Mom's poetry and song lyrics, but I think she's more of a vulture than a thrush.


And what's so necessary about a Poetry and Lyrical Dragon-Muse? My human writes horrible poetry. Apparently she just wants someone to blame it on. Why does it have to be this malicious Dravaena beastie? She could have been claimed by some cute pink Dragon-Muse that likes Italian food (and by that, I mean actual Italians), long rampages down the beach, and Dragon Nip Coladas. But no, no. Dravaena found and claimed her first. So now...we're doomed.

Anyway, Bion and Tai think she's great. Pneuman was skeptical until he heard her name. He knows a Dragon's name is very important. Apparently, he thought her name was acceptable. He approached her and officially welcomed her into the family with open wings. What is WITH my family? Can't they see that this Dravaena is going to kill us all in our sleep? I've read the Bible (at least the fun parts) and I've read Revelation. It had this Dragon that represented Satan--do you know what color it was? I'll tell you what color it was. Red. That's what color it was.

We're doomed, I tell you. Doomed.

Tai: Ooh! Who does your nails?

Bion: Scare Jerry some more! Scare Jerry some more!

Pneuman: I see you broke your horn. Our human broke my horn TWICE and had to perform emergency horn replacement surgery. So, how did you break your horn?

Dravaena: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Wow. I thought I was the crazy one!