How to Train Your Human (by Pneuman)

I haven't personally seen "How to Train Your Dragon." My human went to see it and didn't take me with her because she didn't have room to smuggle both me AND her snacks into the theater (What!? No Dragons allowed? That's a ridiculous rule). She told me all about it, though. Apparently, it is her kind of movie. She's all excited about buying it for her sister's little humanlings for Christmas.

I honestly don't remember much of what she told me about it, except she said that the Dragons weren't intelligent like my "brothers" and me. She said they reminded her more of kitty cats than Dragons. I'm all right with that, artistically. Cats are interesting animals. If Dragons are going to be compared with any other animal, I suppose I'd rather it be a cat than anything else. As long as everyone realizes that Dragons are actually ancient, intelligent creatures, I don't mind people imagining them to be like other simple animals.

However, I must caution anyone reading this to never accuse a Dragon of being "trainable." On the contrary, given the fact that I am the muse and my human is the writer, I'm really the one that "trains" her to write. This is much more easily said than done.

If I had a normal human with a normal 9-5 job, I would suggest establishing a writing routine. Since my human has three jobs and a schedule that changes every week, this is impossible. Some nights she comes home feeling super and just wants to write the night away. Other nights, she comes home tired and grouchy and just wants to play on facebook before going to sleep. Sometimes she has an hour between jobs where she can pull out the laptop and write a few paragraphs. Other times, she doesn't even have time to drive to one job to the other.

Time/routine is just one of the problems I have in training my human. Since she has three jobs, she has three different responsibilities that are greater than or equal to her writing. She is constantly thinking about these three jobs and the humanlings at her three jobs, even while she's writing. She tries to console me in this by telling me that while she's at work, she's always thinking about writing, but that's not much of a consolation.

Clearly, to adequately train my human, I must rid her of her three jobs.

I think a viable solution to ridding my human of her three jobs would be to find my human a wealthy mate. However, there is a trick to this. I want my human to find a mate who is wealthy and willing to pay the bills so that she can quit her jobs and write; however, I don't want a man so attractive to her that she will focus on HIM instead of her writing.

My ideal mate for my human would be a rich older man who just needs an attractive female at his side to make him feel young and successful. Now, I've expressed this thought to my human, and she said there are names for men (and women) like that, and she doesn't want any part of it. Her ideal man would be a 27-35 year old devestatingly handsome literary agent with a Scottish and/or Australian accent, who's about 5'8 and has "mad guitar skills." Though the literary agent part would come in handy, I think a man of that sort would probably distract her from her writing more than the 3 jobs distract her from her writing.

Therefore, if any 27-35 year old devestatingly handsome literary agents with Scottish and/or Australian accents, who are about 5'8 and have "mad guitar skills" ever show romantic interest my human, I will be forced to eat them.

My human doesn't like the idea of me eating her potential suitors, but I know what's best. I am training her, after all.

I have more to say on the subject, but I must break up a fight between Jerry and Bion. Jerry is putting jujubees in Bion's tail cap...again.