Easter DRAGON Eggs (by Tai)

I recently discovered that humans like to boil chicken eggs and dye them various colors for no apparent reason.  Okay, so the reason is supposedly because it's Easter, but I don't really get what dyeing eggs has to do with anything...

But because Dragons just wanna have fun, my brothers, my sister, and I thought our readers might enjoy seeing some Dragon eggs that are similar to the ones from which we hatched. 

This is a dramatization.





When I was a wee little Dragon, I hatched from a simple golden egg because I'm a simple golden guy.



Pneuman's egg was as handsome as he believes himself to be. 



I...don't think Bion has grown much since his hatching...hmm...

Dravaena claims to have hatched from a dainty, sparkly, petite egg, and if you don't agree with her, she'll threaten to rip out your throat and make you eat it for breakfast.  Um...I'm not entirely sure her threat is even...possible.

Jerry claims to have hatched from a wind-up toy egg.  Not so much...

No, Jerry, we don't believe you hatched from a Cadbury Creme egg, either. 

I give up, Jerry.  I just give up.

HAPPY BELATED EASTER FROM THE DRAGONS!







My Lazy Human (by Pneuman)

I am disgusted.

My human has finally gotten her act together to start writing again, but she's still not committing herself to the craft.  I can somewhat understand that she has to work to make a living.  Not all of us can live in caves and roast peasants.  I keep reminding her that she'll have more income if she actually SELLS HER WRITING, but that doesn't seem to make a difference in her work habits.  Still, I can understand why she feels compelled to work three jobs if that's what it takes to keep her from starving.  I guess...

But now my human has become obsessed with an activity known as "running."  Dragons aren't really big on running.  Our legs are better suited for leaping into the air or ripping the intestines out of a live cow.  Even if our legs were built for running, I'm sure flying would be much faster. 

My human has one of those car things that transports her to and from various activities (that aren't writing), so the running isn't even a means of getting her from one place to another.  In fact, she runs up and down the same stretch of sidewalk four or five times.  It's the most boring thing I've ever heard of.  She does it because she says it's good exercise, and I GUESS I'll give her that.  I have just seen her get a far more efficient calorie-burning workout from Jerkface, her pet elliptical machine.

Jerkface hasn't gotten much use lately because she's been running.  Up and down the sidewalk.  Over and over.

Sigh.

Well, today my human went to work for a few hours.  Then she came home and ran a little over five miles.  The running took more than an hour of our writing time.  Then she came home and took her own sweet time showering before FINALLY sitting down to write.  She wrote a few paragraphs and had the nerve to get up before I told her she could finish. 

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked her.

"I'm going to go make dinner.  I'm hungry," she replied.

"Not until you write some more."

"I'll write more later," she said.

"PSSH!" I said.  "I've heard THAT one before.  Look, I'm a Dragon-Muse.  I Muse.  That's what I do.  I can't Muse if I don't have a writer to Muse for."

"Chillax, Pneuman," she said.

 "Is 'chillax' even a word?"

"It's a wombo," she said.  "A word combination.  They're the latest trend in the English language."

"KILL THEM!  KILL THEM WITH FIRE!"

"Don't be so dramatic.  People have been defiling the English language for centuries."

"You're telling me.  I've actually witnessed it.  That doesn't mean I'm going to accept such atrocities from you!"

"What I write in my novels is your business," she sighed.  "What I say in real life is mine."

"Look, Fair Ruth, you know I think you are an amazing writer, and you know I would maim anyone who says differently, but I am getting sick of you neglecting us.  I didn't want to mention this, but there's this lame garage band down the street that could use some Musing."

"Yeah, right," she said.  "You'll never leave.  Where else are you going to find a human who will type up your blog posts, even when they're calling her lazy?"

She had a point.  "Look, just sit down and write another page...it won't take long."

"I just ran five miles," she had the nerve to tell me.  "That's kind of my 'get out of writing free card.'"

"You can rest and write at the SAME TIME!" I shouted.

She shook her head and left the room.  Well, an hour later, I flew in to see what she was doing.  My human was sitting on the couch, eating a bowl of peanut butter and honey (she's recently become quite addicted to this revolting dish), and watching Jeopardy!  She's not even smart enough to WATCH that show.  Plus, she could have spent that time working on her book, or editing another book, or trying to sell another book.

Do you see what I have to work with?

...I really won't leave her, though.  That garage band sounds like a torture chamber.  ...and I prefer to be the one doing the torturing.

Jerry's Hatchday!!!!! (by Jerry!!!!!)

Okay, okay, so my hatchday (like a birthday, only for Dragons) was on Friday. You know. April Fool's Day. No joke. I mean, when else would a silly Dragon like myself have a hatchday? Being a Dragon, I've never really celebrated my hatchday. Dragon parents aren't big on birthday/hatchday parties like human parents seem to be. I've noticed that human parents like to give their kids gifts, invite people over, eat lots of sugar, play ridiculous games, and wear silly hats. Dragons don't do that. I think part of the reason greatly has to do with the fact that Dragons are generally kicked out of the cave before their first hatchday and left to fend for themselves.

So I spent my first hatchday, and all subsequent hatchdays, all by myself. In the cold. In the rain. With no hugs. Then I found "Mom" and my brothers and sisters, and all that changed. I think I can safely say that this is the best hatchday I've ever had in over 3000 years. I'm not sure exactly how old I am. I lost count somewhere around 3200. Let's just say I'm nine.

Okay, okay, so "Mom" had to work on my hatchday (figures), but only a half day. Still, we didn't do much. All I really wanted for my hatchday was hugs. And I got them. I got awesome hugs from "Mom" and from my brothers (even Bion!) and my sister. It was like the huggiest day ever.

Then "Mom" had a surprise for me on Saturday. She took me to work with her to see the short people. There weren't many of them, but I did get to hang out with this one little short person. "Mom" won't let me say her name on here, so we'll just call her Sunny.

Sunny was five. Sunny picked me up and put me in a shopping cart. Sunny ran around the room pushing me. It was fantastic. Sunny asked "Mom" what Dragons liked to eat. Of course, if Sunny could hear me (only "Mom" hears us because we're her Muses. You're just jealous because the Dragons aren't talking to YOU), she would have heard me say, "Dragons eat children! Dragons eat children! NOMNOMNOM!"

But "Mom" just smiled and said, "Dragons eat wishes and dreams and laughter."

What crap.

Well, Sunny just looked at "Mom" for a second and then said, "How 'bout I just give him a hot dog." And she fed me a plastic hot dog, which was actually quite good, if perhaps a little on the chewy side.

"Mom's" friend and co-worker, the WONDERFUL MISS SARA, also brought "Mom" a book as a belated Christmas/Birthday present. Only since it was my hatchday, I kind of consider the book partially mine. And it's the best book ever. It's called Magic Castle.

At the magic castle, a princess (who looks uncannily like "Mom") plays hide and seek with a Dragon (who looks uncannily like Pneuman). Then she teaches the Dragon to fly (which seems weird to me, but I'll let it pass). Then they all go drink tea in the garden.

It's a great book about a great magic castle. The EXCITEMENT NEVER ENDS. The book says so.

Also, the book has a cat.

Well, after work, Mom brought me home and we watched "How to Train Your Dragon," which is pretty much the coolest movie ever. It's about Dragons. Win. It's about Vikings. Win. The grown-up Vikings, for some strange reason, all speak with a Scottish accent. Win.

Now, the adolescent Vikings don't talk with Scottish accents. I wonder why this is. When human males hit puberty, I've heard their voices change. Maybe with Vikings, they get a whole new accent. And it's apparently Scottish.

Yeah, but I was so tired from my hatchday festivities that "Mom" had to wake me up during the movie. I'd fallen asleep on her roommate's knitting.

Don't tell her I drooled on it.

Air Trip Reenactment (by Pneuman)

Please accept my humblest apologies for the extended blogging absence. You see, I and the other Dragons have been out of town. The trip was very last minute; we didn't have time to inform anyone of our departure. In fact, we didn't even tell our human. Jerry found it hilarious that she actually thought we were hibernating. Dragons don't hibernate...unless they feel like it, of course.

It's actually our human's fault that we went away. She wasn't doing much writing, and we were all getting rather bored. So one night Tai suggested we just go on a road trip. And then Jerry said that we would have to go steal a car, and he hoped it was one with a sun roof so he could stand up and hang out of it. Then Dravaena reminded us that we're Dragons and can fly. Then Bion suggested we call it an "Air Trip" instead of a road trip. And I said that it was a good idea no matter what we called it.

Then Tai said that we would probably not be able to get our human's permission, and Dravaena reminded us that we didn't really need her permission. But to make it easier, we decided not to tell her. She wasn't writing much; she probably wouldn't miss us anyway.

But just in case, we made little plastic/resin/polyester replicas of ourselves and left them in the cave with recordings of our voices. Dravaena's recording said, "Shush, now. You write lousy poetry." Mine said, "Just sit down and write something already." Bion's said, "You use too many semicolons." Tai's said, "Just have zombies eat everyone. That usually works." Jerry's said, "Yes, but only on Thursday."

No one is really sure what that means.

So we went on our Air Trip to many exciting locations around the world. It was amazing. We did want to be back in time for our human's birthday, but when we arrived home, she wasn't here. Turns out she was WORKING all day long on her birthday. And the day after that. We flew all the way back here to celebrate with her, and she wasn't even home. That made us Dragons pretty angry (our human works WAY too much).

And then our human got angry when she learned that we'd went on an Air Trip without telling her and without taking her with us. Hmph. It's not like she would take off work to come with us anyway...

So things have been tense here for a few weeks. Our human revoked all of our blogging/internet privileges. I have to say that I admire my human for that. It takes guts to ground a Dragon.

Anyway, she finally forgave us all tonight. She even got out her camera and offered to take some reenactment pictures of our many adventures. See, Dragons don't really care about taking pictures, and none of us have cameras. So the reenactment photos are really the best we can do.

Enjoy the photos of our Air Trip, but remember...these are only dramatizations.

First off, we went to a petting zoo. We didn't allow Jerry to come (for obvious reasons).

Bion and I questioned the chameleon. We wanted to know if his ancestors were Dragons.

I think a color-changing Dragon would be groovy.

"Nice fez, oddly shaped purple monkey," says Tai.

Dravaena kept asking the sheep if they were tender and juicy. Incidentally, we were all kicked out of the petting zoo shortly after some of the sheep went missing.

Dravaena neither confirms nor denies involvement.

Jerry was disappointed in missing out on the petting zoo, but we appeased him by

allowing him to hug the rubber chicken. I think it's his new BFF.

Next, we headed to Scotland (which really ticked my human off--she wants to go there, to the land of her ancestors--the ancestors that killed a lot of people and stole land). We all really wanted to meet Nessie. AND WE DID! He was thrilled to meet some other mythological creatures!

Nessie wouldn't have posed for a pic with us like this (this is only a dramatization). He's a nice guy, but he's really shy. And he HATES having his picture made. I don't blame him. The camera adds ten pounds, and he's already a pretty big fella. So if you're ever at Loch Ness and you catch a glimpse of Nessie, don't take the dude's picture, okay? It hurts his feelings and brings back sad memories of when his mom made him go to fat camp.

Bion is fairly sure that Nessie is a type of Dragon. He might have a point.

He and Nessie have a very similar body shape...without any arms or legs...

We stayed in that part of the country and toured England. Had we cared enough to bring a camera, we would have gotten all the traditional English pictures--red phone booths, Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Hogwarts. As it is, this is the only reenactment my human thought post-worthy. She was very sad that she didn't get to cross Abbey Road with Tai.

Tai actually crossed the actual Abbey Road with the actual Beatles

...even the ones that were already dead.

Then it was back to the good ol' USA, where all of us Dragons decided to do some outdoor recreation. You know...getting back to nature.

Jerry had WAY too much fun on the zipline.

Well, since we had been so many other places, we finally decided it would be fun to end our Air Trip at Disney World. Bion thought it might be hard for us to get in, but I threatened to eat the lady in the ticket booth. I used the same tactic to get us to the front of all the ride lines. It was pretty sweet. I'm not big on rides, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to ride SPACE MOUNTAIN!

That may or may not be a butter dish I'm riding in.

It's a small world after all. That's song's in your head now. You're welcome. And remember, this is only a dramatization. I know how real the pics seem.

Tai and Bion loved Splash Mountain.

Jerry even got to meet Belle, his favorite Disney Princess, and her special friend, The Beast.

Um...then Jerry got a little too friendly...and things got a little out of control.

Man, that Beast totally went all "tale as old as time" on Jerry's butt.

Jerry will think twice before eating a Disney Princess again.

One really amazing thing about this Air Trip was that Jerry and Dravaena finally became friends. He's not scared of her anymore (at least, not much--we're all still a little afraid of her). They're great friends, Jerry and Dravaena. She appreciates his sense of humor. He appreciates her lyrical wit...and the fact that she can burp her ABC's backwards. But don't get any ideas. Dravaena has become like a sister to all of us. Besides, she's got a HUGE crush on Figment, this Dragon who lives at Epcot. After she started stalking him, we decided it was time to come home.

But not before she and Jerry, now friends, rode the Teacups together...

Aww.

It was a great trip, but it's good to be back. Vacations are awesome, but we have Musing to do!

To the Dragon Cave!

Dragon Hibernation? (by the Human)

Okay, so this is the human writing. I'm writing because the Dragons have been extremely quiet lately. I've tried to carry on a conversation or two with Dravaena, just to see how she's adjusting. She just shushed me and told me I was a horrible poet.

I can't even get Jerry to talk to me. At first, I thought it was because he was still angry about me getting a new Dragon. He's still afraid of Dravaena. But even if he were angry, he'd probably be able to muster up a good hilarious insult.

Bion and Tai are quiet. Pneuman is quiet. He hasn't even updated his facebook status or twitter in weeks. I've come to realize that Dragons must hibernate or something.

As a writer who has written three books about Dragons, I like to consider myself a Dragon expert. I mean, if you write a book about something, that automatically makes you a top authority on the subject, right? So I figure that I know as much about Dragons as anyone. The thing is, Dragons are still pretty mysterious creatures. Even though they live in the same "cave" with me, there's still so much I don't know about them.

For the past couple of months, my writing has hit a little bit of a dry spell. I'm still writing...a little, but things just aren't coming as quickly as they should be. I've come to the conclusion that my Dragon-Muses have gradually entered a state of Dragon Hibernation. It started back in December and has gradually gotten worse over the past few months. Before they were doing very little, but now they're doing almost nothing at all. They're still Musing, of course. I'm still writing. It's just at a much slower rate, because they're in some kind of suspended animation.

I'm hoping that the arrival of spring starts to wake them up. I'm really in need of their inspiration. Dravaena was right--I'm a horrible poet.

Valentine's Day Makes Peasants Taste Sweeter (by Pneuman)

It's Valentine's Day soon. A silly human ritual. I do think it's interesting that Dravaena's arrival came near this human holiday about love and relationships.

Since Dravaena's arrival, many of my human's friends have asked her some very awkward questions. Some of them are just your basic, "So are all the boy Dragons gonna fight over the girl Dragon, or what?" The answer is, of course, no. I can personally tell you that I am not at all romantically interested in Dravaena. She is striking, and her neck has an elegant sort of arch. Yes, Dravaena is beatiful (her pictures don't really do her justice...you have to really look at HER), but she is NOT as beautiful as I am. I refuse to be paired with any Dragoness who is not at least as beautiful as I am. I realize this stipulation will probably cause me to remain an old bachelor Dragon, but I suppose that is the price for being beautiful.

Jerry is still afraid of Dravaena. Bion seems to think of her as a good friend. Tai treats her like a lady, but he is very clear about his intentions. He thinks of her as a sister. We all (except the terried Jerry) think of her as a sister.

And even if we were interested, Dravaena is NOT. The first words out of her mouth after we greeted her were, "Don't any of you get any ideas, because I am NOT that type of Dragoness, and none of you are good enough for me. If you even look at me the wrong way, I'll make you regret it for the rest of your lives." Of course, I was able to read through what she was saying. She was NOT including me when she asid that we weren't good enough for her. How could she think that? No, no. She was saying that the others weren't good enough for her, but it would have made them feel badly if she hadn't included me.

So none of us are interested in Dravaena. However, my human got one follow up question she wasn't expecting. It was an awkward question. It was a personal question. It wasn't a personal question to her, but it was to us Dragons. In fact, it's such a personal question that my human didn't know how to answer it. She doesn't know the answer. It's because Dragons don't discuss it with puny humans.

The question: "Do Dragon-Muses...you know...?"

If you don't know what "you know" refers to, then you can stop reading right now. Otherwise, you might long for the sweet release of about a gallon of mind-bleach.

"Do Dragon-Muses...mate?" There. I said it. This is a squeamish topic for me because Dragons are more secretive about their mating rituals than Vulcans are about pon farr. You can imagine my frustration when my human started asking me...questions.

But you know, enough is enough. I think it's time my human--all the humans--the WHOLE WORLD learned about Dragon mating rituals. The following is not for the feint of heart.

When a boy Dragon decides he loves a girl Dragon very much, they take flight to the homelands from which they were spawned. Then the boy Dragon flies up high to the top of Mount Nightingale, where he picks the first blue ice flower that blooms in winter. He must fly this flower back to his girl Dragon before it can melt.

Then she must accept the flower and tramp it with her feet. Then the boy Dragon must join in what is known as the "My Goodness but that Ice Flower was COLD" dance. They must dance for 48 hours straight without a rest.

Then the girl Dragon must sing the "Song of the Ancient Winged Beasts" until she has lulled the boy Dragon into a trance. When the boy Dragon is in the trance, he must recite to her all 386 stanzas of the legend of "Gimrak the Mighty" to her. When she has also been lured into a trance, the boy Dragon and girl Dragon must walk--yes walk, on foot--to the Pool of Bonding. Then the girl Dragon will push the boy Dragon into the pool and he will splash four times. Then the girl Dragon must cross the Bridge of Love that spans over the Pool of Bonding.

And if you believe any of this, then I'll gladly sell you the Bridge of Love right now.

Pssh. Did you really think I was going to tell you the Dragon-Muses most treasured secrets? Not likely, human.

No go and eat some chocolate. It makes you taste better.

Coke As a Defensive Weapon (by Tai)

We were going to let Dravaena write her first blog, but she doesn't really understand the concept. She's still getting adjusted to life as a Dragon-Muse for our crazy human. I think it's a little overwhelming sometimes. We're used to it, but Dravaena isn't comfortable yet with mundane things like blogging. Maybe someday.

Dravaena did, however, want me to share a poem with you. It's a haiku she wrote herself:

Football makes no sense.
Neither do the commercials.
Dragons don't like Coke.

Of course, Dravaena is referring to one of the few Super Bowl commercials that my human actually saw. She came home and immediately looked it up on youtube so she could share it with us. In case you didn't see the Dragon Coca-Cola ad, here it is for your viewing pleasure (and confusion):




Now, I must admit, I kind of liked the ad. It was nicely done, even if it wasn't very realistic (and remember this is coming from a Dragon). Dravaena didn't like it because the mean Dragon was red (like her) and because, as she mentioned in her haiku, Dragons don't like Coke. I think the only reason she thinks this is because none of us have really ever had Coke.

And the human kind of got this weird idea that she could give all us Dragons some Coke to see what happened. I am not sure why. I think she wanted to see if fireworks would come out of OUR mouths if we drank Coke. I think she wanted to see if Coke was a good defensive weapon against a Dragon.

Well, the human didn't feel like going to the grocery, and she didn't have any Coke. All she had was diet Cheerwine (if you've never had this, my human strongly recommends you move to the Carolinas so you can always be sure to find it). Diet Cheerwine is pretty good. It tastes just a little bitty bit like cranberries, but without the...uh, side effects. Anyway, there were no fireworks--unless you count Jerry's epic fire-burps.

Pneuman suggested she should try again with REAL Coke, and Jerry said that maybe they should just drop a few Mentos in the Coke. ...but I think our human is done with her Dragon and soda experiments. If you ever experienced Jerry's epic fire-burps first hand, then you'd understand why. It seems that soda actually makes most Dragons MORE dangerous.

So now you know the truth: If your village is ever attacked by an enemy clan with a fire-breathing Dragon...Coke is probably not your best defense.